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    Changing the Conversation

    A.O.: After Orlando – Fragments

    6/17/16, 2:02 PM | Marc Dones | Social Justice, Race, Diversity, LGBTQ

    orlando

    Inexcusable, the slaughter in this world.
    Insufficient, the merely decent man.

    At the Restaurant, Stephen Dunn

    I.

    There’s a certain kind of loss that is supposed to accompany terrorism. A loss of innocence and the sort of sudden and caustic realization that you are not safe—that safety in this world is an illusion, anyone can have access to your personhood at any point. You’re supposed to think to yourself, How could this happen?

    But I don’t feel loss. I feel exposed for what I have always known to be true: I can be killed. This is a country where I am not as protected because I am queer and a person of color. These facts of birth have marked me as less valuable to the machines of our society from the beginning. I have been identified early as disposable. Or perhaps not disposable because something you dispose of is something that you may have counted to begin with. I belong to a different category—something closer to a ballpoint pen that wanders away from you because you loaned it to someone and never got it back or left it in a restaurant.

    I am something that you never really counted on keeping to begin with.

    II.

    I’ve been thinking about how headphones now come with noise cancellation technology. They read all the noise around you and produce a wave of the same amplitude, but with an inverted phase; which is just a fancy way of saying that they make the exact opposite sound and when these two sounds meet the result is silence. I’ve been thinking about this because that’s what I watched happen. 49 different sounds met one big burst of the opposite song, and they canceled each other out.

    No sound left.

    My friend’s husband says to him, I don’t want to die for kissing you.

    I have been watching this thing get built for years now. Watching the different men and women go on TV and talk about how I don’t matter. How I am ruining America. They will offer their prayers when I die—send their thoughts in the direction of my death—and go right back to building the things that killed me. They get louder and I get—

    III.

    Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

    Amanda Alvear, 25 years old

    Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old

    Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old

    Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

    Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

    Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

    Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old

    Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

    Cory James Connell, 21 years old

    Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

    Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

    Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old

    Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

    Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

    Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old

    Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

    Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

    Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

    Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

    Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old

    Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

    Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

    Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old

    Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

    Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

    Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old

    Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old

    Kimberly Morris, 37 years old

    Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

    Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old

    Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old

    Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

    Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

    Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

    Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

    Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old

    Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old

    Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

    Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old

    Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

    Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

    Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

    Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old

    Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old

    Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old

    Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old

    Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

    Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old 

     

    IV.

    People have been saying it was terrorism, but it wasn’t terrorism, or if it was terrorism, it was committed by the men and women who have incited this violence. It was done by the men and women who refused, year after year, to take a weapon off the streets that has the sole purpose of mowing people down in the dance club, in the movie theater, in the elementary school. In another system, one where they didn’t have all the power, we’d hold them accountable. We’d put them in jail, take away their livelihood. I’ve been thinking about power and how because people who are queer and black like me don’t often get much of that, we have to ask people to protect us. On Twitter someone says I’m a n*gger, and when I ask people to report them they say, You don’t have enough followers to do anything to me.

    I think to myself that at a certain point the end point of all things becomes whether or not you have power and to what end you exercise that power. All power to the people, someone yells on the street, and I wonder if power has become it’s own thing—if it has left the people. Or, if I am not a person.

    V.

    I’m thinking there should be a way to demarcate this loss. A shift in time. I’m trying to joke when I say this to a friend and then say, Now we’re After Orlando. A.O.

    It immediately feels true, which is probably why I burst into tears.

     

    Read Molly Richard's reflections on LGBTQ solidarity and social change in the wake of the tragedy in Orlando.

    Read Allison Rich's thoughts on how to ally with the LGBTQ community during Pride Month and beyond.

    Need support?

    GLBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

    Trevor Project Hotline: 1-866-488-7386

    Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860

    New York City Anti-Violence Program Hotline (English & Spanish): 1-212-714-1141

    Fenway Health LGBT Helpline (ages 25+): 1-888-340-4528

    Fenway Health LBGT Helpline (ages 25 & under): 1-800-399-7337

    Photo courtesy of Marc Dones.

    Marc Dones

    Written by Marc Dones

    Marc Dones was a trainer for t3 and the Center for Social Innovation supporting human service providers in delivering recovery-oriented, trauma-informed services to people living with substance use disorders, HIV/AIDS, and other related challenges. Previously, Marc worked at the Massachusetts Executive Office of Health and Human Services, focusing on youth violence prevention and reduction as well as systemic responses to youth homelessness. Marc was also the Director of Project Management for Child and Adolescent Services at the Massachusetts Department of Mental Health. They served on the Massachusetts Commission on LGBTQ Youth and co-chaired the Administration Committee. Marc is a graduate of New York University's Gallatin School with a concentration in Psychiatric Anthropology. In their spare time, Marc hangs out with their dog, rides a bike, and is generally impractical. Marc's favorite color is chartreuse.

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